Lately I’ve been feeling kind of stuck when it comes to my blog. Every once in a while something happens and I know it will make a good story, but a lot of days I don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the summer and especially over the last couple weeks, now that the girls are in school and here is what I realized. I have information and ideas I want to share, new things I’m doing and learning, stories I want to tell, goals for the immediate future, and of course things in my life that aren’t going as I hoped or planned, areas where I’m still struggling and trying to find balance. The problem is that I’ve gotten scared again.
When I started this, it was because I wanted to write. I wanted to write honestly about my life, the good and the bad. I wanted to share some of my difficulties and insecurities in the hopes that someone out there could relate and I wouldn’t feel so isolated, that maybe I could even help someone else to not feel so alone. It was also meant to be part of my own therapy and healing. Sometimes just saying something out loud or writing it down, no matter how crazy it is, makes it better. Those things that we hold inside for fear of being judged often lose their power over us once we share them with others. I’ve worked so hard over the past year to be healthy and happy and peaceful and I wanted to share some of the things that work for me and hopefully learn from others how they do it. Obviously, I knew when I started that other people would read it and comment and make judgments, but my intention was for it to always be a place where I could say whatever I wanted, express however I was feeling, a place where I could be me.
In the beginning, I wasn’t really sure if I would share it with people I know, mostly because I was insecure about my writing. I told my sister first, then gradually shared it with a few close friends. It took me three months to find the courage to publicize on facebook. At that point lots of people I knew would read it. I was ready. I was feeling more confident about my writing and I had lots of ideas. What I didn’t expect is that it would be more difficult for me, once there were 260 potential readers, (some very good friends, some family, some casual acquaintances, some people from my past who I really know nothing about presently).
Nothing bad has happened since I did it, in fact it’s all been really good. Some of those facebook friends have commented and sent me messages and shared with me how much they relate. People that I see regularly now leave me comments and talk to me about things I’ve written. Really, no one has done or said anything at all to discourage me. What is happening is all in my head. I find that I’m censoring myself. I’ve started to worry about how my words, thoughts, and feelings are going to be interpreted. I’m Catholic and I am very active in my parish and in the school. A lot of my facebook friends are people from church and school. What if I say something that goes against the teachings of the church? Am I going to offend anyone? Are people going to decide they don’t like me (God forbid) when they realize I’m actually fairly liberal on a lot of issues? I would hate for something I shared on my blog to adversely effect my children at school in any way. Sometimes I’m frustrated about an interaction my child has had and I’m afraid to write about it. I worry that people will wonder if I’m talking about them or their child. I get overwhelmed at times with all the “jobs” I’ve willingly volunteered to do, but I don’t want anyone that I work with to think I’m complaining about them personally, or think that I don’t want to help, or worst of all, worry that I’m incompetent and can’t handle it. I hate when my crazy, paranoid self gets control!
The other thing that holds me back is that I want it to be good, and I want people to be entertained. I like to laugh and I really love to make people laugh, so I find myself trying to decide if what I want to write is going to be funny enough, and if it’s not funny is it interesting enough, is it smart enough? What if I share something that I’ve done and everyone thinks I’ve really gone nuts. All of this worrying surely isn’t helping me at all, and it’s definitely not what I intended to happen when I began.
Of course none of those things I’m worried about are even in my control. People might decide they don’t like me whether I write the blog or not. I could get into a civilized debate with a friend at Bible Study and they are going to realize that I question the Church’s teachings on certain issues. Truthfully, when I get frustrated, I don’t hide it well, so if you are lucky enough to volunteer with me, I won’t need to blog about it, because I will have said it out loud.
So, I’m going to get back to writing whatever I feel like writing on any given day. I want to talk about how I do everything for my kids and don’t really let them have any responsibilities in our house because I know I can do it better and I lack the patience to teach them. I want to vent about how frustrated I am with myself for being over-committed at school so quickly when I really wanted some time to myself. I plan to tell you about the “21-day Meditation Challenge” I have nearly completed (even though it may sound crazy to most of you), why I think it is important, and how I want to incorporate meditation into every day. I want to share books that I love and quotes that inspire me. I want to write about gratitude and forgiveness and finding a passion and living a life without regret. Mostly I want to continue talking about taking care of myself (mind, body, spirit), and how important I know it is for everyone. If there is one thing I know for sure, we are better people when our own souls are being fed…better mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends…and isn’t that what life should be about anyway…being better tomorrow than we are today?
Until later…
Confessions of a Crazy Mom... 